Someone, Someday,....Maybe

12/17/2020 

One day I'll post about the last 7 years of my life. When the time is right. It will be in a moment when it is cathartic. Today isn't that day. The only context needed today is that I've loved and lost, yet again.

I've cried over the guy. I've had those body-shaking ugly cries. I've bargained, I've been angry, I've been hurt, and I've been lonely. Even surrounded by good friends I felt like an island just out-of-reach. And then, I've been resolute. 

This time, with help of great people, I've seen the pattern. Not just that I meet the "wrong guys," but really what has been the common theme with those guys. It has helped. It will take practice and having my new boundaries tested, but I'm learning how to set boundaries that are healthy for me and for a relationship that may or may not be in my future. Old habits die hard, but I'm working on it. 

I just spent too many late hours watching "Love, Victor." I was unsure on the series til the last few episodes of this first season. Watching the pain and awkwardness hit home. You can't go back, but I do wonder sometimes what it would have been like to have been able to face that awkwardness and pain as a teenager vs now. I hope as I look at the growing acceptance of younger gay youth, that they actually get to be youth. 

Many, me included, of my gay peers have come out later in life. You find your heart and mind suddenly thrust back to your teenage years. Years, that in my case, I shut down my emotions. I hid my interest in guys at school; I suffocated all the emotions that my heterosexual peers were able to experience and learn from. 

PFLAG in Olympia, WA has an article on their site about the 5 stages of coming out. For those of us that come out after the teenager years are well behind us, we still find ourselves in "gay adolescence." While we may have physically matured, financially matured, and even mentally matured, we didn't get/allow ourselves to emotionally mature. "Twitterpation" wasn't a thing for many of us. I remember looking at hetero couples giggling, teasing, making-out in the corner and just rolling my eyes like it was just to get people's attention.

Then I kissed a guy, held his hand, looked in his eyes without shame...and suddenly my 28 year old self was emotionally 16 and on cloud nine. All that eye-rolling non-sense in high school made sense. And suddenly I realized how much I'd missed out on; how much I hadn't learned about relationships (especially healthy ones).

As I have had the privilege of working with many good men coming out later in life, I have seen this "gay adolescence" many times. Yes, it can sometimes look like a train-wreck, but it seems such a vital part of the process. It isn't easy though and I have seen so many broken hearts in the process; hearts broken with much higher stakes than our hetero peers' 17 year old broken hearts. I have experienced those broken hearts, unfortunately more than once.

There are common things with many of the gay fathers I've come to know through the years participating in the Utah Gay Fathers Association's support group. Big hearts, sacrifice, selflessness, work ethic, patience, etc. All great characteristics on their own. When coupled with "gay adolescence" and figuring out what a real relationship should be, it can be disastrous. I speak from experience. 

In my case, after the most recent failed relationship, I finally am grasping why. All of those qualities I mentioned before can also be a weakness. Most of my romantic relationships outside of the closet have been with guys with some degree of narcissism. I've made myself an easy target for all the qualities I've mentioned before. It is a perfect recipe for disaster. 

Finding myself unexpectedly single after 6 years has been painful, but also an opportunity for growth. It is a chance for me to finally break the pattern of allowing the wrong type of guy in my life. It will take practice. The guys I have had relationships were charming. They can make a great impression. For those that met my ex-partner, they have been in shock. The performance that can be played out by people like Steven isn't difficult to hold up for 30 mins or an hour in public, but, behind the scenes you find everything is a facade. In daylight you see the fragile framework holding up their image that is merely painted to convey what they want. It isn't reality. 

Maybe I'll delve into this more, maybe I won't. I'm sure I will touch on my experience(s) throughout life with narcissists and how I arrived here. Another day.

Update 7/4/2022. 

I never finished this posting, I still agree with the sentiments, so I'll share.