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Friday, April 29, 2011

A few days later

It has been an interesting week. My blog throw up on my last post is an example. However, throwing up can be good sometimes when your body needs to expel a poison.

My week has been filled with Victor and all that entails. Most of it has been in figuring out where to go from here. How to attract guys that are good for me.

I've noticed that there are many men I find mutual attraction with that want a caregiver and someone to take charge. Victor was a tough case, he wasn't always the best friend or most concerned, but he was there. He was support I had nowhere else. He was also someone who wanted support. And, he is one who obviously took advantage and went too far.

I am generally a strong willed man who likes to take charge. Having someone fall in line is "comfortable" for me, but it gets exhausting towing the line. I think I may keep in mind to have the next guy be my equal in taking charge and being strong willed. Should be interesting to see how that dynamic works. More on Mr Perfect (I know, in reality it will only me Mr Almost Perfect) later.

One more song at the end of Victor week. One that speaks for itself. I know he thinks of me. He missed out on an amazing opportunity.

Take it away Keith

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Your Gay Son

Now for something very personal and very cathartic for me. But, whether you like it or not, you know me to be pretty blatantly honest. So here is an unabridged, unedited version of an e-mail I sent today. It has weighed on my mind since the Pflag meeting. I will try to explain one point here. Titles were/are important to my Mom. My brother being the AP in his mission was such a highlight to her life. Every Elders Quorum President calling or Young Men's calling to her sons offered some sort of validation. It was honestly a relief when I was finally called out of Primary to be the Exec Sec. Not really for me, but just because I could finally hope she'd be happy with her son that didn't serve a mission.

I used the title I have because it is something I wear proudly. Not because of the title but what it represents. A group of gay fathers reaching out and supporting each other. It creates a sense of validity in our community as we work to build bridges. Sure I like the title and do get some warm fuzzies as we all do when getting a calling, but what really excites me is that it makes the existence of such a great group of men even more real. In other words its the respect for the mantle not necessarily the person holding it (which sounds all to self-important as I write it). So here is the very personal e-mail I finally wrote this morning:

Mom,

I stood over a week ago on a Tuesday at the PFLAG meeting. I stood as the representative and Director of The Utah Gay Fathers Association. I stood as your gay son. I stood as a loving and effective Father. I stood as a decent man trying to help others. You should have been there. You should see the man you raised. But you don't. You are missing it. I was surprised to feel the hurt so much that you weren't there. Shocked really. As my biological family has chosen to distance themselves from me I have found many others who love, respect, and celebrate who I am. It is sad for me that a sister who I was once close to and did anything/everything for chooses to call me disgusting and bitter. It is sad to hear bro and sis claiming to defend their gospel and protecting their children while isolating and dis owning their own brother in very un-Christ-like ways.

This was my piano recital. This was my sports game. This is what matters to me. This is my passion. You raised a great son. Coming out has allowed me to fully grasp all those lessons in honesty, integrity, love, compassion, acceptance, respect, and service that you and Dad taught me. This is who I am and you should be there to see it. You should be proud to have me as a son.

I spent 27 years hating who I was, loathing my attractions and having countless nights of heartache over what my heart was drawn to. Remember all those late weekend nights I wasn't home til 2 or 3 or later? Most of those were spent driving around crying and begging to not be a disappointment. Trying to find a cure to my orientation. Pleading with God to find me worthy enough to be blessed and cured. Spending nights in quiet desperation just wishing God would end it all one way or another. He finally did.

After 27 years, marriage, and 2 amazing sons, he did. Not how I thought he would, but he did. He made me see that I was just fine. That I was his son and he LOVED me for who I am. He was proud of me and he is there watching me at my version of a "piano recital." I know that Dad accepts me for who I am. I know that he is Proud to have a gay son. I wish he were here to tell others, but he's not. It is only in my heart that I know this.

I don't use my title to gloat. It only represents that you raised a good man who is trying to make a difference. Trying to reduce the suffering for those who are on the journey I was. Trying to stop the nights of quiet desperation. Trying to stop the Bobby's who feel they are alone and have no choice but to end it.

I have no wish to feel like "that" brother anymore at family events. I do not wish to fill my life with that negativity and attitude of "disgust" toward me. I have "family" in my community who care for me and love me. I will be involved where I feel loved and uplifted, not merely tolerated.

This was your chance to be proud. To see that the boy you raised is a strong, confident, and loving man. You weren't there and you have missed seeing it. I wish you wouldn't miss anymore, but I won't beg. I know and love who I am. I intend to celebrate my life and the amazing lives around me. Wish you were here.

I do love you and appreciate the many examples Dad and you gave me. I am a man you should be proud to call your son. Thank you for giving me life and providing for me in my younger years. That has given me a chance to be who I am.

Love,
Your Gay Son