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Sunday, March 26, 2017

You Can't Go Back



I took my kids to Lagoon today so we get all the bang-for-the-buck we can out of season passports.

Lagoon was at least a yearly adventure with my family and then more as a teenager. All those awkward teenage years in the closet trying to fit in, avoiding standing out.

The thought does cross my mind from time to time about what life could be like if I could go back in time to being a teenager with all the knowledge I have today. I wonder what life would have been like out of the closet at an earlier age. I wonder the financial and career mistakes I could have avoided.

It isn't perfect to be a part-time dad but a full time bank. It isn't perfect to be working on goals I see 20-somethings already passed. It isn't perfect to see how splintered my siblings and mother have become. It isn't perfect to be divorced and have failed at love a few more times beyond that.

I looked to the ride operators and the optimism they seem to possess. I see the flirtations between their co-workers. I see the few who seem to be less concerned about what people see their sexual orientation might. I see the life that stand on their horizon with their shared optimism at what it could posses.

So my mind wandered and those thoughts of going back came back; but, you can't. And, I wouldn't. That last thought is still hard to fully believe, but I did really contemplate it today as I stood in line waiting for another thrill.

Yes, life has had more failings than I would have dreamed of as a teen. However, those failings have also made me who I am today. Not perfect, but satisfied with the imperfection.

I looked at the man I stood with and wondered if I could have gotten this lucky. I thought "I could go live life, have fun, and then just show up in his life at the exact moment I did in this life."

I would be a different person. It is quite possible he may not like the person I had become with all this forward thinking. A relationship that has become a positive in my life might have simply never happened.

Despite the shortfalls, life has been overall good. Sure, I do still wish some things could be changed, but I can't, and I wouldn't at the risk that the great parts I do have may not exist.

It was a thought process that brought me back full circle. Content with life and all the wins and losses it contained, even if it meant I was standing in line (with my youngest & pretending to not be afraid of heights) for the roller coaster from hell.

I survived that too...and it was worth it.